An open letter to Earl Midlam

REF: Campaign takes a wierd turn

Dear Earl Midlam, you reeky boil-brained maggot-pie:

You are currently upset because you claim that you saw the mayor uproot a sign that you admit was illegally placed.

Read that sentence again, you unmuzzled sheep-biting lewdster.

The mayor told me that he found the sign upside down in the bushes, somehow that was mistranslated by the Gondo into "Martin said he came across a face-down sign," which, of course, is unbelievable as the signs are printed on both sides. That is, of course, why the Gondo, a two-ply rag published by a beslubbering unchin-snouted wagtail, deliberately misquoted the Mayor.

Then of course, is the fact that your version of events kept changing. You told Kim Hackett at the Herald-Tribune that you saw Hizzoner do it to one sign AND ONLY one sign. Just to make it sound better, the number doubled when you retold the story to the Gondo, you dissembling flap-mouthed harpy.

Don't tell me that Walia wasn't placing signs all over the place when he had no permission to do so. I asked the Publix management if they had given permission for the signs to be there. They said no. So even if your version of events were true, it wouldn't have happened at all (and you would have had to invent some other fake crisis) if Walia and his band of election whores and pimps had any idea where to draw the line between lawful and lawless. Are you beginning to see the impossible position you have idiotically boxed yourself into, you poisonous fishified cod-piece?

I found two Walia signs on my property and I know Walia didn't get permission from me or any other member of our condo board. Ditto the apartment complex next door, where he did not receive permission. They all went straight into the dumpster. Turn me in. I confess.

The only person in our neighborhood that did give permission to him AFAIK was Gondolier publisher Bob Vedder, who had Walia signs in the front yard of his rental home on Ridgewood (directly across the street from the city attorney's office). Seeing as Vedder was too gutless to actually endorse Walia (probably because I gave Vedder and Gondo reporter Greg Giles THE FEAR by doing a bit of basic 8th grade background checking that they totally FAILED to do), I found the sign in Vedder's front yard an act of cowardly hilarity.

As far as you and your syphilitic claptrap, you paunchy fly-bitten malt-worm: the sign that you claim you saw the mayor uproot WAS ILLEGALLY PLACED by an idol of idiot-worshippers. You don't get to take the moral high ground when one event that was illegal was stopped by another illegal event. It's akin to filing battery charges against someone for tackling a bank robber, you piece of amoral blubbery crap!!!!

You and your wife went and illegally replanted the illegal sign, and you have the balls to whine about somebody else's lawlessness, you vain, swag-bellied horn-beast!

While you were on council, you were directly employed by another city councilman, David Farley, at his downtown corpse-stuffing and cooking emporium (Farley -- now there's a loathsome ex-politician right up there with Walia in the ethical standards department). Working for a fellow elected council member is a major ethical and illegal no-no that nobody has ever brought up until now.

You took your licks, my ass. You got down on your knees and gave quite a few, you cockered fen-sucked bootlicker. But then you hatched on a brilliant idea about how to bite the boot that you were licking. You started secretly audio taping other council members by hiding a voice activated tape recorder in their offices with the probable intent of blackmailing them (it sure wasn't to turn them in, as your later behavior showed).

Then you got your dumb ass arrested as you were running all over the city with gleeful abandon playing the tape for anyone who would listen. You played it to Herb Levine. He took notes. He's recounted to me a number of your recorded discussions. I could make you the most hated man in Venice ever by recounting them here. Say, that's not a bad idea.

Then you supposedly destroyed the tape by throwing it in a fire. I never believed that last one for a second.

Now we're supposed to take you and your wife's word that the mayor was ripping out signs in a place where you admit that they were illegally placed, probably by you as you never gave an explanation as to why you were there. How much did you ask the mayor to give you to keep your mouth shut?

The biggest laugh is that you claim you took your licks.

No. You didn't. You got hit with a piddling misdemeanor.

You didn't get charged with tampering or destroying evidence (usually a felony), the tape supposedly never surfaced, you have since denied portions of the tape have ever existed (portions that you played for Herb Levine that involved "The Bathroom Fund"), it was illegal for you to be working for another councilman (and you were living under his roof if I recall correctly). You have repeatedly refused to give a taped interview about the contents of the tape, contents that you claimed at the time showed a vast conspiracy of corruption in city hall led by then-mayor Merle Graser.

You deserved way more "licks" than you got, you are still not telling the truth about the contents of that tape, and now you want us to believe that you are some kind of born again ethical compass. In all of that, you have achieved an amazing thing in physics and anatomy in that you are one humongously wide set of asscheeks while simultaneously existing as 100% asshole.

Where's the tape, you droning motley-minded whey-face? I know you still have it, I can feel it in my bones. Either that or you gave it to Chief Slapp and watched him destroy the evidence -- now that is very believable. Something happened and you are not telling the truth. Every time I asked you about it, your eyes went to your feet when you told me you had destroyed it by fire. False face must hide what the false heart doth know.

Where's the tape, you mountain of mad flesh? The police just slammed you on a misdemeanor without any physical evidence. You copped a guilty plea when the tape was supposedly destroyed by you. You thought that all of us in Venice were stupid enough to believe all that?

Where's the tape, you puking earth-vexing boar-pig? The time has come for the public to hear it. Until and unless you can produce that tape, you have no business even talking about the existence of ethics, you mewling toad-spotted malcontent.

If you'd like, I'll read all of that into a tape recorder, you venomed plume-plucked pumpion.

P.S.: May the worm of conscience still begnaw your soul.

P.P.S.: You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish--O for breath to utter what is like thee! You tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!

NOTE: Numerous parts of this letter were shamelessly stolen from William Shakespeare.